Randal Graves: Why haven’t you fucked Myra yet?
Elias: Well, we can’t because of Pillow Pants.
Randal Graves: What the fuck’s Pillow Pants?
Elias: Pillow Pants is a little troll who lives in her pussy.
Elias: Pillow Pants is her pussy troll?
Elias: Duh. You know how every girl’s parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
Randal Graves: …Sure.
Elias: Well Myra’s is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my… thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait until Pillow Pants gets peed out of her body on her 21st birthday before we can have sex.
Randal Graves: [floored] And Myra told you this?
Elias: Boyfriends and girlfriends talk to each other about sex stuff Randal. You’d know this if you ever had a girlfriend.
Randal Graves: Have you and Myra even kissed yet?
Elias: We would have already if it wasn’t for Listerfiend.
Randal Graves: [beat] Listerfiend is her mouth troll, isn’t it?
Elias: [shakes head] Women.
Randal Graves: That look was so gay. I thought Sam was gonna tell the little hobbits to take a walk so he could saunter over to Frodo and suck his fucking cock. Now *that* would have been an Academy Award worthy ending.
Hobbit Lover: Hey faggot, they’re not gay! They’re hobbits!
Randal Graves: And then, right after the Sam/Frodo suckfest, right before the credits roll, Sam fucking flat out bricks in Frodo’s mouth.